the masochistic, sushi dream.

Gosh, I feel like I've changed the viewpoint of my life drastically this year.

I feel so .____. these days. But well, let's start off with happy things like my posts usually do.

Yesterday I went to Sushiminto, this japanese restaurant across Jarir bookstore. It wasn't bad actually; the tempuras are delicious. And so are the sushis. It actually sorta filled me up, even though I sort of cried just before we went out to eat there.

After that we went to Jarir, and I bought a National Geographic magazine. Dad told me to buy this mystery novel he read when he was small by Agatha Christie. It was old; around 1970-ish. I was like 'But the English is so old, Dad, I might not be able to understand it, no offence! D8'

But he said Agatha Christie was one of his favourite authors when he was younger. Of course, he read the Indonesian translation, so I don't know if it was hard for him or not. :/

But I find the older English cute. They say 'I shan't' and 'I say, my dear girl' and stuffs. The main character is called Sir Stafford Nye. Cute name, eh? :D Sir.

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I've been thinking lately, after I had this very vivid but strange dream two days ago. I dreamt of UFOs and snow, and searching for a real jet-plane behind bookshelves. I dreamt of walking for less than a mile on so on disabled legs, thinking it was possible.

Waking up from these dreams I thought, 'Wow, that felt so real. And silly. But nice.'

And you know what? I came to realise I love those dreams. For me, I think dreams are visions of the impossible you create in your sleep. And then when you think deeper, you could find that they are possible to bring to life.

Now I talked about this to one of my friends yesterday and she said she had no interest. It offended me a little [alright, so it was one of the reasons which made me cry. why? more will be explained later, maybe], but i realised that not everyone is a dreamer.

that's not a bad thing, really. they live in reality.

but if you are reading this, i wish for you to comment below and state what you think about dreams. D: If that's okay.

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The third part to this post:

here are somethings that bug me these days, and it makes me want to break down thinking about it:

- i'm not allowed to draw freely anymore.

- no one seem to care much about what i say.

- i haven't, maybe, found that right person who'll understand me.

and then my sister is says, "If being on MSN makes you cry, then stop it. I mean, I was in your phase once--being on computer 24/7 (which is a slight exaggeration)--but someday, you'll realise that even if you communicate online, you'll just get lonelier keeping in touch with people virtually. If you want to talk, talk face-to-face; it feels much better than virtual talking."

She had a point, and then I remembered to tell myself that I go on, mostly because i feel like i'm waiting for somebody, which is really useless and time-consuming.

and the thing about the 'not being able to draw freely anymore'. Well, I know, people have told me this last year, but I carried on anyway. I was ignorant, or I forgot. Then one day I read in BS's blog and BAM--my face fell when I was reminded.

We're not allowed, according to our religion, to draw some living things. Like humans. And animals.

I asked an ustadhz about this and even though he tried to make things better, i still cried.

for me, art, even if my people seem anime-ish, fills a bit of my life. i can't draw emotions if there are no people in the picture. it's possible, yes, but i just don't...

and when i pick up a pencil and look at my sketch pad, something tells me not to draw. i listen to music, receive inspiration and then i still deprive myself from drawing.

you may think 'it's just drawing. it really is not that bad; i can live without pictures or drawings.'

but if you were me, you'd cry.

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Sorry for the exaggeration in this post. I feel so guilty, having been living on drawing for most of my life. I never knew it was this important in Islam. I think about it and then I feel so sad and depressed. Astaghfirullah.

I do make a big deal out of the littlest things, and I do think that everyone should have a 'FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE' sign etched on their hearts.

Because no matter how you look at it, there's always something that can shatter even the strongest person on Earth.