the masochistic, sushi dream.

Gosh, I feel like I've changed the viewpoint of my life drastically this year.

I feel so .____. these days. But well, let's start off with happy things like my posts usually do.

Yesterday I went to Sushiminto, this japanese restaurant across Jarir bookstore. It wasn't bad actually; the tempuras are delicious. And so are the sushis. It actually sorta filled me up, even though I sort of cried just before we went out to eat there.

After that we went to Jarir, and I bought a National Geographic magazine. Dad told me to buy this mystery novel he read when he was small by Agatha Christie. It was old; around 1970-ish. I was like 'But the English is so old, Dad, I might not be able to understand it, no offence! D8'

But he said Agatha Christie was one of his favourite authors when he was younger. Of course, he read the Indonesian translation, so I don't know if it was hard for him or not. :/

But I find the older English cute. They say 'I shan't' and 'I say, my dear girl' and stuffs. The main character is called Sir Stafford Nye. Cute name, eh? :D Sir.

---

I've been thinking lately, after I had this very vivid but strange dream two days ago. I dreamt of UFOs and snow, and searching for a real jet-plane behind bookshelves. I dreamt of walking for less than a mile on so on disabled legs, thinking it was possible.

Waking up from these dreams I thought, 'Wow, that felt so real. And silly. But nice.'

And you know what? I came to realise I love those dreams. For me, I think dreams are visions of the impossible you create in your sleep. And then when you think deeper, you could find that they are possible to bring to life.

Now I talked about this to one of my friends yesterday and she said she had no interest. It offended me a little [alright, so it was one of the reasons which made me cry. why? more will be explained later, maybe], but i realised that not everyone is a dreamer.

that's not a bad thing, really. they live in reality.

but if you are reading this, i wish for you to comment below and state what you think about dreams. D: If that's okay.

---

The third part to this post:

here are somethings that bug me these days, and it makes me want to break down thinking about it:

- i'm not allowed to draw freely anymore.

- no one seem to care much about what i say.

- i haven't, maybe, found that right person who'll understand me.

and then my sister is says, "If being on MSN makes you cry, then stop it. I mean, I was in your phase once--being on computer 24/7 (which is a slight exaggeration)--but someday, you'll realise that even if you communicate online, you'll just get lonelier keeping in touch with people virtually. If you want to talk, talk face-to-face; it feels much better than virtual talking."

She had a point, and then I remembered to tell myself that I go on, mostly because i feel like i'm waiting for somebody, which is really useless and time-consuming.

and the thing about the 'not being able to draw freely anymore'. Well, I know, people have told me this last year, but I carried on anyway. I was ignorant, or I forgot. Then one day I read in BS's blog and BAM--my face fell when I was reminded.

We're not allowed, according to our religion, to draw some living things. Like humans. And animals.

I asked an ustadhz about this and even though he tried to make things better, i still cried.

for me, art, even if my people seem anime-ish, fills a bit of my life. i can't draw emotions if there are no people in the picture. it's possible, yes, but i just don't...

and when i pick up a pencil and look at my sketch pad, something tells me not to draw. i listen to music, receive inspiration and then i still deprive myself from drawing.

you may think 'it's just drawing. it really is not that bad; i can live without pictures or drawings.'

but if you were me, you'd cry.

---

Sorry for the exaggeration in this post. I feel so guilty, having been living on drawing for most of my life. I never knew it was this important in Islam. I think about it and then I feel so sad and depressed. Astaghfirullah.

I do make a big deal out of the littlest things, and I do think that everyone should have a 'FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE' sign etched on their hearts.

Because no matter how you look at it, there's always something that can shatter even the strongest person on Earth.

happy belated birthday, i miss you.

the title will be explained later, (as usual these days), but right now I want to write about my thursday.

well, my thursday was pretty darn good, actually. it was the best thursday i've had in a while--lots of laughter and smiles and friends and all that. english was a relaxing lesson. we made bookmarks so we can sell it for charity in this world book week later on. :'D

Okay, I can't think of a plot to write for that short story.

It will come, hopefully. -_____-

ICT with mr. johnson was... nice. we began the lesson with him scaring the shoes off me, then it was a real blast coming to the near end of the lesson.

oh, and since we were learning about databases, there was this very weird conversation pratiwi or farahana had with mr. j:

Mr J: Alright, so what other field could we keep inside the database?

P/F: We could keep the gender of the students in this school?

Mr J: That's right... Apparently, we're still trying to figure out Mr Sutcliffe's gender, so...

...

I sense a bit of platonic bromance between Mr. J and Mr. S. *TOENGTOENGTOENGOETOEGN* *GETS SHOT*

I passed the day with a long nap then woke up to be ushered out of my bed by my mom. We were going to this ngaji thing and there was Ocha, Fikar, Nadhira, Nadia, the Ghozalis and others.

It was a blast playing with Felix.

It was awesome to be hanging out with pals late at night and studying about Grace from God. :'D

Thanks for making my day, by the way, if you're reading this. But then no one does read my blog unless they were told to or if it's on a very rare occasion. But a girl can hope, right.

---

23rd of February. That was how belated I am.

Grandma, I miss you so much. I'm sorry I forgot it was your birthday until the next day afterwards. I cried a bit when I found that out, but I know I shouldn't. You wouldn't want me to cry for you right? I love you so much.

If you were still here, I'd call you then and tell you 'happy birthday'. of all these times, I never looked forward to speaking much over the phone with you, but now that you're in a very deep sleep, i'm grateful for all those reluctant talks a thousand miles apart.

i hope i'll see you later.

i love you.

laugh at my blondness, plz.

1 [] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking
2 [x]Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking
3 [] You have ran into a glass/screen door
4 [] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
5 [x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks
6 [] You have ran into a tree
7 [x] Tried to lick your elbow.
8 [x] Forgot where u were
9 [] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same rhythm
10 [] you have swore in front of your parents
11 [x] You have tripped over yourself
12 [x] You have choked on your own spit
13 [ ] You have seen the the Matrix and still don't get it. or sorta get it but not that much
14 [x] You didn't notice that in the last question 'the' was spelled twice
15 [x]You just looked at it
16 [ ]Your natural hair colour is blonde
17 [x] People have called you slow A LOT! or more than 10 times
18 [] You have accidentally caught something on fire
19 [x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes
20 [x] You sometimes drool for no reason
21 [] You've fallen asleep in a laundry basket
22 [] Sometimes you just stop thinking
23 [] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about
24 [] People are often shaking their heads and walk away from you
25 []You are often told to use your 'inside voice' A LOT
26 [x] You use your fingers to do simple math
27 [] You have eaten a bug
28 [x]You are taking this test when you should be doing something important.
29 [x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it
30 [x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand or pocket
31 [x] You forget things right after someone says them
32 []You break a lot of things
33 [] Friends know not to use big words around you
34 [x] You sometimes tilt your head when you're confused
35 [x] You have fallen off your chair before
36 [] When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling/wall.
37 [x]The word 'umm' is used many times in your day
38 [x] You called a friend and then completely forgot what you were gonna say
39 [x] You have spelled your name wrong [WHEN I WAS 8. >8U]
40 [x] You have drawn a lop sided heart

---

Snagged from my luhvly Kamilia's blog :] *AND YES I MENTIONED YOU HERE TAKE THAT*. I started laughing when I read the first two answers.

GO FIKARE.

I really don't know what to write about, though I want to write because I feel sort of... mixed up. -___-

I woke up in the morning and the first thing I heard was mom talking on her mobile, saying something about someone who passed away. I was a bit scared it would've been my relatives. But it wasn't so, alhamdulillah.

School wasn't bad, actually. I had lots of laughs in science and maths. The noise the oscilloscope makes sounds so sci-fi ish it made us laugh. D8

Here's a random convo me and Nikkaela had in maths:

Me: Have you ever tried screaming beneath the water?
Her: Yeah, it's weird, like I had a very loud inner voice. o.o
Me: Yeah, it's like you could only hear a 'MMMMBLUBLUBMMMMNGGGBLUB'
Her: HAHA. Ever tried talking while gurgling?

*demonstrates*

Me: ...LOLOL YOU SOUND LIKE A STRANGLED CHICKEN.

--end--

At the end of the day, I felt happy because I saw F i k a r e in the sports hall ready to do his entrance test! 8D Huzzah, Fikar! Insyaallah you'll make it Fikar!

That was the main thing that made my day. Yeah, seeing a close friend entering your school gives you the jellybeans. xD

But of course, I felt down afterwards. I don't know why.

It seems like I'm stuck in front of the computer, not because I want to do my homework or go on deviantArt, but because...

I feel like I'm waiting for someone. That's what I look forward to everytime I go on this 7-year-old heck of a machine. But why would that someone come talk to me? Who am I waiting for? I should learn to be idealistic. More careless about these kind of subjects, you know; throw away all hopes, stop waiting if it's not worth waiting for, because I'm just waiting for someone who would never come.

English test tomorrow, and there's that french homework which I barely had finished. Thank you if you bother read this and commented.

20 confessions + a GMH story

Well, I got this from Ocha , and since I couldn't let this opportunity to admit things about myself to my trusted watchers pass, I did this. I wonder who'd bother reading this, anyway. .___.


Alright, so...

1st thing about me is that: I overthink things. I get worried easily, and everytime I do so, I get heartbeats. Sometimes, it's painful to sleep at night because of this.
2. I love it when I make people laugh and be happy.
3. But sometimes, I try too hard, and it sets them off, so I try not to try too hard, but then I still fail at doing so. Because of this, I get self-disappointed a lot.
4. Yeah, I cry easily, but in public I try to hold it in. I'm moody a lot this holiday.
5. I get angry and annoyed when people mistreat me in a mean way, but I hold it in.
6. I love it when people come to me for console and to rant about their feelings.
7. But I'm a bad advisor and I could only listen, agree and give comfort and hugs.
8. I'm somehow paranoid and believe in jinxes.
9. Following number 8, that's why I tend to go 'masyaallah' in my mind or whisper it when someone gives me compliments and I compliment other people.
10. Following number 9, when someone says to me 'you're so nice' and 'you'll never do anything mean ;) ' I get 'jinxy' and sometimes, I actually think of violent things. Of course, I get afraid of myself, so I seek help and assurance.
11. Following number 10, I wanna seek assurance from Allah SWT. The thing is, sometimes I don't have enough willpower, then I break down because of that.
12. I LIKE A BIT OF BROMANCE OKAY? >8U


*COUGH*ENGLAND AND AMERICA*cough*
13. I wish I could be more outgoing.
14. I wish, in the future, I could find someone who could tell me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not from the outside.
15. I wish to be more religious and active and less lazy.
16. I love it when people I know and love add me to conversations or invite me to group meetings and go someplace fun. I love being included :)
17. But a lot of times, I get paranoid, again, and I chicken out of parties because I fear to be lonely.
18. I hate when people use swear words to insult people, but I say swear words in my head
sometimes when I realised I did something wrong.
19. GMHs are better than FMLs.
20. There are more things I'd like to admit about myself but I won't because I'm lazy.


Well, now you know more about me. :]


---


*EXTRA* A PERSONAL GMH STORY *EXTRA*


So, yesterday, I had a very plain and rather bad day. I deprived myself from chatting with my friends, and it was rather agonizing to do so. I felt very lonely. We went to Applebees for dinner later on, and when I was still a bit sad, this small family went past our table, the father holding his son's hand.


The son smiled at us, waved and said 'Bye-bye'.


3 year olds who treat strangers like friends GMH. [:

well, you know...

since somehow I had an explosion of watchers on blogger (+5, ain't that great?? 8D), i suppose I can celebrate it with a nice little 'welcome'. : D

alright, so I'm just finding an excuse to blog again. so what.

well, i know lots of people (maybe 1 or 2) have warned me about keeping my feelings to myself or in a diary and not in a blog, because people can easily google up your posts and all. i thought, 'heck, who'd google me up, anyway?' like in the previous post. so i ignored the advice and went my own way because i'm badass like that. . <---not really

but then something happened and i suppose i do need to keep things hush. but that's just the thing:

i blog only when i need to rant about my feelings.

so, folks, if ever i do blog again and my posts come up sappy and exaggerated, that's simply because I'm Ardianty.

and also, i trust you guys. i don't know what for but i trust you bebol. and i felt like saying i trust you guys because i'm naive and i'm ardianty.

and also it's because the people who are watching me right now are currently people i do trust, so, i trust you.

---

So anyway, welcome to my blog, people. :D If you ever feel like you want to be annoyed by oh-so-lame templates and sappy, overdramatic posts, or if you just feel curious, bored or hungry, come read my blog!

Toodle-pips.

it's me, isn't it.

the reason why i like blogging here is that even if it's on internet, it's not like somebody i like would care enough or stalk me or google my blog...

(haha anty, maybe a part of you is hoping for that person to come find this and realise how much they like you. or get creeped out by how much you talk about them)

because one could never care enough. anyway I feel down lately, though there are times when I could laugh.

it's supposed to be a holiday, but I'm not doing much. in fact, I think it's pretty boring and the fact that I'm reminded of homework makes it even more unbearable. but then once I'm in school, I'll probably hope for the holidays again. humans are very hard to satisfy. .____.

I need to get out more often. everyday I'm shunned at home sitting in front of the computer or doodling or whatever, and it's not like anyone even likes my drawings on deviantart. i shouldn't blame them. i really am not an artist, but i really... really hope that I could be one in the future *goes oh so dramatic*.

my two most recent arts are done with watercolours wheeeee but they fail. xDD I need to know how to make effects with watercolours. ohya, i made an art of the vancouver snow olympics, not that you'll care, but.... I think it's pretty good, yo? D8 well, in my opinion, since it's one of the few times (actually it IS my first time) to paint characters and all.

GO CANADA. GO QUATCHI. GO SUMI. GO MIGA. and Mukmuk. and the rest of the countries participating of course. xDD

but yaa, i'm cheering for Canada. Thanks to Hetalia, I'm starting to appreciate the countries more. OwO

canadacanadacanadacanadaENGLANDxAMERICAcanadacanadaENGLANDENGLANDcanadaAMERIC-- *gets shot*

Darn, this is probably one of the things that annoy people most about me.

I ramble on about rubbish. <--- (yay colourful rubbish!)

as in, subjects they don't even give a shoe about. D:

I can't help it, you know, it's me. and it's not like I'm doing any harm, right? it's in my nature to ramble off on msn or online. you ask me a question or want me to reply, i do; you never tell me how much of a reply you wanna get.

and it's probably my speech and stuff that bores people out. like lufi and rajaf.

several weeks ago, i was able to make lufi laugh.

several weeks ago, he came to me and said 'make me laugh :P'

a few weeks ago, we joked about creating our own group on boredomness and procrastination.

now we rarely talk. he comes to me first, but never really show much interest.

i'm just a girl he comes to talk to when he's bored, and even then, maybe he knows our conversations won't be as great as before. i wanna slap him across the face for opening a chat with me and then not showing much interest. and when he says 'oh, i'm just waiting for her to go on', i half-wished she would. take him away from me, i don't care. i don't want awkward conversations.

but at the same time, it sort of kills me inside that we can't last long, and we were almost friends.

anyway, the other thing that made me see myself as annoying is rajaf. yeah, he opened chats with me. I think today was the fifth time (and yeah, i counted >8U Sue me, I still have a bit of feelings for him).i've been hoping for another conversation, and bam, he opened one.

but it wasn't the same as the other four.

i think i may have bored him out as well, even though i could safely say i was chatting the same way as i did before. actually, i could safely say that I try to make sure i treat and chat to everyone the same, online or not, friend or crush or enemy.

i try to make sure; that doesn't mean i definitely treat everyone equally, whether I realised it or not.

i wonder afterwards if i could find a guy mate later on in life or not. -_____- surely God had already assigned a life mate for all of us in the future life right? those who are like us, like a mirror image and all...

then, maybe, those who are single in life are probably too unique to find themselves a partner. ah well, i be ber-syukur if i don't find a 'partner' or not later, anyway, but insyaallah. :D

wth i'm only 12 i should get a grip and stop fretting about this.

well. i think that's it.

anty off.

btw, is liking 2 guys healthy? i mean, it's not like those 2 are gonna like me back or whatever, and i'm stuck in the middle of deciding whether i actually do like them or not D8.

HMM WELL.

There's just this gaping hole in me that I do not know how to fill.

Hey there. :D I dunno, I feel like ranting these days. I feel like I'm seeing my life in a whole different viewpoint as I did last year. Things are very... Well, I can't say tough, and I can't say it's boring either.

I always wonder what happened. I feel so moody lately, oh oh. I feel like it's school. My social life in school. I still think I can't get the hang of what we're talking about at school but I think I'm getting better there. xD But that's just it. I turn to my friends hoping for that 'hole' to be filled, and they do fill it. But then afterwards, it feels emptier inside.

But love? xD How, in the world, would love fill that sack of air? I mean, I'm only 12. Sure, I feel a bit useless now and then when someone I happen to be STUPIDLY crushing on (yes I think loving the opposite gender at this age is stupid no matter how many times I did that (LOLIREMEMBER'RAJAF')) dont find the need to talk to me one-to-one anymore, or somehow I blabber on too much and seem to annoy the heck outta him on MSN, or quite simply, find out he was just simply misleading and I didnt quite understand how I felt then and there.

And, I am happy for him and his 'her', but why date at such a young age?

I mean, I know, at times I wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend and fall deeply in love with someone. It's a nice feeling. x))

But even if I do find that someone I like actually likes me back at this stage of my life, how am I supposed to react?

NOT THAT I WANT TO HAVE A SOMEONE RIGHT NOW cuz it is very unlikely someone I know NOW will be that 'someone' later, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

The point is that it is not love that will fill that hole, because no matter how happy I feel or how many heartbeats I get when someone I 'like' talks to me, it just gets me a little bit more sad at this stage. :/

SO MOVING ON -AGAIN-, TODAY, we had this school olympic thingie and I went to the 3-legged-race (me and pratiwi won for Oasis YAY), the card-dart-board-thingie (I SCORED LOTS YAY) and the horse shoe blah (SCORED 8D ). Piwi was very good at the hoops. Also, I tried the wheelbarrel thingy with Ocha. WE FAILED. XD I can't count how many times we fell in that race. I laughed so hard I barely had the strength to lift Ocha's legs up (Not that Ocha was even bothered to walk with her hands. She dragged herself with her elbow all the way which made me LOL XD XD ).

Yesterday, I went to my first guitar lesson. The teacher was really nice. :'D 'Nuff said.

MOVING BACK TO THE ICKY SUBJECT OF ROMANCE (haha, in nursery we used to find love disgusting XD ), what if I said Rajaf opened a chat with me yesterday and asked me many questions and I happened to be ENJOYING it, much to my surprise. D8

Oh and I DON'T LIKE LUFI ANYMORE not just because he has a girlfriend, but because now he doesnt need to talk to me anymore and I do not make him laugh. Well I still like him. As a friend.

*phew* I'm kinda glad my feelings for him is over. And I'm sorta glad I came to the end of this post.

I can bet you're glad for finishing this off, too. xD Ah well, toodles~

Brighten your day?

ME?! Yeah , right.

This week passed by like a rollercoaster, it gets confusing, dizzy-ing, tortuous (not torturous) and exciting.

It's confusing because of the inconsistent pattern of the ups-and-downs. It's dizzy-ing because of how many things are happening at once. It's tortuous because.. Well, there are many twists in the way. Then it's exciting, because it seems that everyday I've been having 'heartbeats' because I was hoping for...

Err, alright, so what good stuffs have happened this week? x)) Darn, I can't think of an answer, and even if I do, it will lead back to that ONE SUBJECT I'm trying to avoid.

Haha, I like simple stuffs, kenya believe that?

I mean, this week, somehow I've risen to the peak of my... uhh... affection??? XD XD XD XD WELL, how do I put it in a better way? I haven't been thinking or having this much of a feeling for one person for a long, long time. It feels weird now, gaaah. Especially when you think that there is a possibility that THIS PERSON could be the one who'd make you feel 'special', because he did. Make you feel that way, I meant.

I mean just a few days ago. He kinda proved to me that. I was some sort of a. How should I put it? Well, a 'mood-lifter' or something. I was really happy and you wouldn't believe how grateful I was. Actually, I'd feel really happy if I could make anyone happy.

But for me to make him happy... that just makes me feel a bit more confident inside, yanno. ._.

Simple stuffs; bread, watercolours, ribbons and badges. I don't really get why my sister flocks to the booths of mobile phones in the malls, srsly.

But really, anyone can cheer him up. It's just that I'm afraid of slipping. Drifting away. Even though we've only been like this for what... a week?

I'm so selfish. I'm sorry, 'Rini', if you read this post and think how stupid I am for some reason, but I know how you feel. I always did. D:

Please don't say that he can talk to me freely. A few times he seems like he does, but sometimes, we have awkward conversations.

You should listen to Heaven Can Wait by We The Kings...

Point is, I don't want to stop making him happy. And if he doesn't want to talk to me or decide there is no need to chat with me anymore... I guess I have to be fine with it. Whatever's fine with him. But if he does talk to me, It'll make me really happy. :)

And for Rini and Ruba who said he can talk to me freely--masya Allah--thank you so much for thinking so. But what would happen, will happen, and I guess there's just no way from stopping it.

I also don't make sense when I ramble on too much, so if you understood what I typed in for the last 20 minutes, you're awesome. ;)