GO FIKARE.

I really don't know what to write about, though I want to write because I feel sort of... mixed up. -___-

I woke up in the morning and the first thing I heard was mom talking on her mobile, saying something about someone who passed away. I was a bit scared it would've been my relatives. But it wasn't so, alhamdulillah.

School wasn't bad, actually. I had lots of laughs in science and maths. The noise the oscilloscope makes sounds so sci-fi ish it made us laugh. D8

Here's a random convo me and Nikkaela had in maths:

Me: Have you ever tried screaming beneath the water?
Her: Yeah, it's weird, like I had a very loud inner voice. o.o
Me: Yeah, it's like you could only hear a 'MMMMBLUBLUBMMMMNGGGBLUB'
Her: HAHA. Ever tried talking while gurgling?

*demonstrates*

Me: ...LOLOL YOU SOUND LIKE A STRANGLED CHICKEN.

--end--

At the end of the day, I felt happy because I saw F i k a r e in the sports hall ready to do his entrance test! 8D Huzzah, Fikar! Insyaallah you'll make it Fikar!

That was the main thing that made my day. Yeah, seeing a close friend entering your school gives you the jellybeans. xD

But of course, I felt down afterwards. I don't know why.

It seems like I'm stuck in front of the computer, not because I want to do my homework or go on deviantArt, but because...

I feel like I'm waiting for someone. That's what I look forward to everytime I go on this 7-year-old heck of a machine. But why would that someone come talk to me? Who am I waiting for? I should learn to be idealistic. More careless about these kind of subjects, you know; throw away all hopes, stop waiting if it's not worth waiting for, because I'm just waiting for someone who would never come.

English test tomorrow, and there's that french homework which I barely had finished. Thank you if you bother read this and commented.

20 confessions + a GMH story

Well, I got this from Ocha , and since I couldn't let this opportunity to admit things about myself to my trusted watchers pass, I did this. I wonder who'd bother reading this, anyway. .___.


Alright, so...

1st thing about me is that: I overthink things. I get worried easily, and everytime I do so, I get heartbeats. Sometimes, it's painful to sleep at night because of this.
2. I love it when I make people laugh and be happy.
3. But sometimes, I try too hard, and it sets them off, so I try not to try too hard, but then I still fail at doing so. Because of this, I get self-disappointed a lot.
4. Yeah, I cry easily, but in public I try to hold it in. I'm moody a lot this holiday.
5. I get angry and annoyed when people mistreat me in a mean way, but I hold it in.
6. I love it when people come to me for console and to rant about their feelings.
7. But I'm a bad advisor and I could only listen, agree and give comfort and hugs.
8. I'm somehow paranoid and believe in jinxes.
9. Following number 8, that's why I tend to go 'masyaallah' in my mind or whisper it when someone gives me compliments and I compliment other people.
10. Following number 9, when someone says to me 'you're so nice' and 'you'll never do anything mean ;) ' I get 'jinxy' and sometimes, I actually think of violent things. Of course, I get afraid of myself, so I seek help and assurance.
11. Following number 10, I wanna seek assurance from Allah SWT. The thing is, sometimes I don't have enough willpower, then I break down because of that.
12. I LIKE A BIT OF BROMANCE OKAY? >8U


*COUGH*ENGLAND AND AMERICA*cough*
13. I wish I could be more outgoing.
14. I wish, in the future, I could find someone who could tell me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not from the outside.
15. I wish to be more religious and active and less lazy.
16. I love it when people I know and love add me to conversations or invite me to group meetings and go someplace fun. I love being included :)
17. But a lot of times, I get paranoid, again, and I chicken out of parties because I fear to be lonely.
18. I hate when people use swear words to insult people, but I say swear words in my head
sometimes when I realised I did something wrong.
19. GMHs are better than FMLs.
20. There are more things I'd like to admit about myself but I won't because I'm lazy.


Well, now you know more about me. :]


---


*EXTRA* A PERSONAL GMH STORY *EXTRA*


So, yesterday, I had a very plain and rather bad day. I deprived myself from chatting with my friends, and it was rather agonizing to do so. I felt very lonely. We went to Applebees for dinner later on, and when I was still a bit sad, this small family went past our table, the father holding his son's hand.


The son smiled at us, waved and said 'Bye-bye'.


3 year olds who treat strangers like friends GMH. [:

well, you know...

since somehow I had an explosion of watchers on blogger (+5, ain't that great?? 8D), i suppose I can celebrate it with a nice little 'welcome'. : D

alright, so I'm just finding an excuse to blog again. so what.

well, i know lots of people (maybe 1 or 2) have warned me about keeping my feelings to myself or in a diary and not in a blog, because people can easily google up your posts and all. i thought, 'heck, who'd google me up, anyway?' like in the previous post. so i ignored the advice and went my own way because i'm badass like that. . <---not really

but then something happened and i suppose i do need to keep things hush. but that's just the thing:

i blog only when i need to rant about my feelings.

so, folks, if ever i do blog again and my posts come up sappy and exaggerated, that's simply because I'm Ardianty.

and also, i trust you guys. i don't know what for but i trust you bebol. and i felt like saying i trust you guys because i'm naive and i'm ardianty.

and also it's because the people who are watching me right now are currently people i do trust, so, i trust you.

---

So anyway, welcome to my blog, people. :D If you ever feel like you want to be annoyed by oh-so-lame templates and sappy, overdramatic posts, or if you just feel curious, bored or hungry, come read my blog!

Toodle-pips.

it's me, isn't it.

the reason why i like blogging here is that even if it's on internet, it's not like somebody i like would care enough or stalk me or google my blog...

(haha anty, maybe a part of you is hoping for that person to come find this and realise how much they like you. or get creeped out by how much you talk about them)

because one could never care enough. anyway I feel down lately, though there are times when I could laugh.

it's supposed to be a holiday, but I'm not doing much. in fact, I think it's pretty boring and the fact that I'm reminded of homework makes it even more unbearable. but then once I'm in school, I'll probably hope for the holidays again. humans are very hard to satisfy. .____.

I need to get out more often. everyday I'm shunned at home sitting in front of the computer or doodling or whatever, and it's not like anyone even likes my drawings on deviantart. i shouldn't blame them. i really am not an artist, but i really... really hope that I could be one in the future *goes oh so dramatic*.

my two most recent arts are done with watercolours wheeeee but they fail. xDD I need to know how to make effects with watercolours. ohya, i made an art of the vancouver snow olympics, not that you'll care, but.... I think it's pretty good, yo? D8 well, in my opinion, since it's one of the few times (actually it IS my first time) to paint characters and all.

GO CANADA. GO QUATCHI. GO SUMI. GO MIGA. and Mukmuk. and the rest of the countries participating of course. xDD

but yaa, i'm cheering for Canada. Thanks to Hetalia, I'm starting to appreciate the countries more. OwO

canadacanadacanadacanadaENGLANDxAMERICAcanadacanadaENGLANDENGLANDcanadaAMERIC-- *gets shot*

Darn, this is probably one of the things that annoy people most about me.

I ramble on about rubbish. <--- (yay colourful rubbish!)

as in, subjects they don't even give a shoe about. D:

I can't help it, you know, it's me. and it's not like I'm doing any harm, right? it's in my nature to ramble off on msn or online. you ask me a question or want me to reply, i do; you never tell me how much of a reply you wanna get.

and it's probably my speech and stuff that bores people out. like lufi and rajaf.

several weeks ago, i was able to make lufi laugh.

several weeks ago, he came to me and said 'make me laugh :P'

a few weeks ago, we joked about creating our own group on boredomness and procrastination.

now we rarely talk. he comes to me first, but never really show much interest.

i'm just a girl he comes to talk to when he's bored, and even then, maybe he knows our conversations won't be as great as before. i wanna slap him across the face for opening a chat with me and then not showing much interest. and when he says 'oh, i'm just waiting for her to go on', i half-wished she would. take him away from me, i don't care. i don't want awkward conversations.

but at the same time, it sort of kills me inside that we can't last long, and we were almost friends.

anyway, the other thing that made me see myself as annoying is rajaf. yeah, he opened chats with me. I think today was the fifth time (and yeah, i counted >8U Sue me, I still have a bit of feelings for him).i've been hoping for another conversation, and bam, he opened one.

but it wasn't the same as the other four.

i think i may have bored him out as well, even though i could safely say i was chatting the same way as i did before. actually, i could safely say that I try to make sure i treat and chat to everyone the same, online or not, friend or crush or enemy.

i try to make sure; that doesn't mean i definitely treat everyone equally, whether I realised it or not.

i wonder afterwards if i could find a guy mate later on in life or not. -_____- surely God had already assigned a life mate for all of us in the future life right? those who are like us, like a mirror image and all...

then, maybe, those who are single in life are probably too unique to find themselves a partner. ah well, i be ber-syukur if i don't find a 'partner' or not later, anyway, but insyaallah. :D

wth i'm only 12 i should get a grip and stop fretting about this.

well. i think that's it.

anty off.

btw, is liking 2 guys healthy? i mean, it's not like those 2 are gonna like me back or whatever, and i'm stuck in the middle of deciding whether i actually do like them or not D8.

HMM WELL.

There's just this gaping hole in me that I do not know how to fill.

Hey there. :D I dunno, I feel like ranting these days. I feel like I'm seeing my life in a whole different viewpoint as I did last year. Things are very... Well, I can't say tough, and I can't say it's boring either.

I always wonder what happened. I feel so moody lately, oh oh. I feel like it's school. My social life in school. I still think I can't get the hang of what we're talking about at school but I think I'm getting better there. xD But that's just it. I turn to my friends hoping for that 'hole' to be filled, and they do fill it. But then afterwards, it feels emptier inside.

But love? xD How, in the world, would love fill that sack of air? I mean, I'm only 12. Sure, I feel a bit useless now and then when someone I happen to be STUPIDLY crushing on (yes I think loving the opposite gender at this age is stupid no matter how many times I did that (LOLIREMEMBER'RAJAF')) dont find the need to talk to me one-to-one anymore, or somehow I blabber on too much and seem to annoy the heck outta him on MSN, or quite simply, find out he was just simply misleading and I didnt quite understand how I felt then and there.

And, I am happy for him and his 'her', but why date at such a young age?

I mean, I know, at times I wonder what it would feel like to have a boyfriend and fall deeply in love with someone. It's a nice feeling. x))

But even if I do find that someone I like actually likes me back at this stage of my life, how am I supposed to react?

NOT THAT I WANT TO HAVE A SOMEONE RIGHT NOW cuz it is very unlikely someone I know NOW will be that 'someone' later, but THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

The point is that it is not love that will fill that hole, because no matter how happy I feel or how many heartbeats I get when someone I 'like' talks to me, it just gets me a little bit more sad at this stage. :/

SO MOVING ON -AGAIN-, TODAY, we had this school olympic thingie and I went to the 3-legged-race (me and pratiwi won for Oasis YAY), the card-dart-board-thingie (I SCORED LOTS YAY) and the horse shoe blah (SCORED 8D ). Piwi was very good at the hoops. Also, I tried the wheelbarrel thingy with Ocha. WE FAILED. XD I can't count how many times we fell in that race. I laughed so hard I barely had the strength to lift Ocha's legs up (Not that Ocha was even bothered to walk with her hands. She dragged herself with her elbow all the way which made me LOL XD XD ).

Yesterday, I went to my first guitar lesson. The teacher was really nice. :'D 'Nuff said.

MOVING BACK TO THE ICKY SUBJECT OF ROMANCE (haha, in nursery we used to find love disgusting XD ), what if I said Rajaf opened a chat with me yesterday and asked me many questions and I happened to be ENJOYING it, much to my surprise. D8

Oh and I DON'T LIKE LUFI ANYMORE not just because he has a girlfriend, but because now he doesnt need to talk to me anymore and I do not make him laugh. Well I still like him. As a friend.

*phew* I'm kinda glad my feelings for him is over. And I'm sorta glad I came to the end of this post.

I can bet you're glad for finishing this off, too. xD Ah well, toodles~